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. I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he’s only got one arm bless him.I shouted - “Where you off to Charlie?”He said, “I’m off to change a light bulb.”“That’s gonna be a bit awkward init?”“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”Went out last night and got really wasted.I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring.So, at least I got home OK.Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.“German,” she replies.“Occupation?”“No, just here for a few days.”As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer’s funeral, a voice from insidescreams: “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, “Too late, mate, the paperwork’s already done.”I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.Or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the. As Denys and Jax stride deeper into the dark, ducking, peering, firing into the corners of the wooden doorways, I walk straight toward the two dying men. I look each directly in the eye and I raise my eyebrows, showing them this plain Jane homespun woman’s face. Eyebrows still raised, I slowly shoot each bad man square between his eyes. But not before each fully recognizes, registers, and regards my girlie face. I watch the lights go out in each pair of eyes as each slumps from movement to none. I don’t mind seeing them like this. I don’t have to look long. Those eyes were more blind before than they are now. Blind. Blinder. Blindest. Bad, bad, mean people. Write this off to my simple, homespun values and small-town morality. Yes. I, Heidi, despite my complex, liberalized facets and my driving human hunger to live a lusty life, have firmly-grounded and surprisingly basic morals: Don’t be mean to people. Especially don’t be mean to little people, helpless people. It’s just wrong..
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