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“You shouldn’t feel alone. You’re surrounded by people who’re privileged to know you.”The words didn’t even register with me. His mouth. His eyes. They met mine, guarded and yet dying not to be. Did he want me? The self-serving thought felt dizzyingly beautiful. How could he want me? I looked at his mouth. He looked at mine and for a few precious seconds the opportunity danced between us. But he ended it. Stepped back. Ran a hand through his hair.“Hey, why don’t I give you my phone number? If you feel down, you can call me. Yeah?”He scrawled it onto a scrap of paper, his fingers touching mine as he handed it to me.*I called him a week before Christmas, self-control broken by the false festive spirit. My mother was going out of her way to pretend that everything was the same; that we could act like we had the last year, as if Dad was still around. The house was filled with tinsel, cards, light, candles. People visited. I didn’t want to see any of them.I escaped, slamming the door so. " Turning to me, with a hand on my shoulder, "Isn't thatright Elaine?"Without even a trace of a denial in my mind, I simply nodded my headyes. I was now committed. I would finish school as a girl. Just how Iwould manage that I didn't know. I just knew that I would. Janet waseager to talk, so we went outside and sat on the porch, my first timeoutside without makeup, which apparently didn't matter, because Janetnever mentioned seeing even a trace of a beard. I was glad I only shavedtwice a week."So," Janet asked, "you're going to school as a girl tomorrow?" I noddedmy head yes, but could not smile. "Why not come and get me? We can betogether, and maybe I can get Bill to make sure nobody bothers you."Just the mention of his name made me shiver. Bill was Janet's twinbrother, and I had known him since we all started elementary schooltogether. I can't say why, but Bill had somehow fit into every one of mydreams, especially from the moment I started going out dressed as agirl. Bill never did.
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