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I took the heels off before I went to bed, thankful for the relief in my legsand sorry to see them go. I did carefully put them away in my closet,thinking that I would return them on Monday. Then I went to sleep wearingonly the t-shirt as a nightie.Saturday, I put the heels on again. As if something compelled me, I wenton-line and purchased a blue linen dress, a pair of satiny white tights, somepanties, and a lacy black nightie to sleep in. I was embarrassed, but no onewould know. I didn't question where these ideas came from; it just felt likethey had been there all along. I had always wanted to dress like a woman, andnow that I was living alone, I could. I remembered years of lusting afterSusan's sexy, feminine outfits, staying up late to watch her dates bring herhome...wishing that was me in the little black dress with the pantyhose andheels and long hair dancing around my nearly bare shoulders.I couldn't stop thinking about how pretty my legs would look if they wereshaved, and if. Till death do us part and forsaking all others. Still, the whispered comments from my friends, pointed questions about her activities, the anonymous emails. They all can be explained away ... can't they? It just could not be true.Shock-Those are HER in the email picture attachments! I am emotionally stunned, as if hit by a pole ax. If the dates are correct this goes back weeks, months! It feels like my heart has stopped beating, and I am unable to breath. Why would she do such a thing to me ... to us ... to our family!Denial-Ok it is not that serious, obviously a mistake, an error of some sort. Maybe it is her sister, photoshop, a joke, some type of prank. I can only recall our good times. Were they ever real? Or is this an unconscious attempt by my mind to protect me from the pain of loss?Anger-We are told Anger is a common response when faced with significant decisions in which a person has little or no perceived input and will have a potentially negative effect. These.
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