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My flakes touche your ears, your face, your lips and neck, gentle tender caresses’ she moans, ‘they swirl around you touching your sides, your breast, your nipples and your back’ she moans again, ‘you can feel gentle caresses up and down your arms, hands and fingers. now the caresses start to move on your hips and ass.’, she moans ‘Oh god’ I say ‘you feel the careses move down the out side and back of your legs to knees then onward to your feet, your feet’, she moans ‘This feels soooo good.’ I say ‘the caresses start back up the backs and insides of your legs, slowly moving up towards your pussy, the caresses on the inside of your legs travel up the back of your legs and up your thighs, the caresses on your inner thighs stop just before they reach the lips of your pussy so close but not touching and feel the wetness running down your legs, but continue up the backs to your ass. the flakes stil caress you everywhere but your pussy and I take on a more solid form, part flakes caressing. My personal tastes are not at issue. I’ll try to keep this as objective as I can within the realm of language and literature. Good enough?”“Yes, ma’am,” I said. I was already a bit dejected. I’d put my heart into this story. Toughen up, old man.“Okay. Let’s start with the story arc. I think you could begin with something more dramatic that draws the reader into the story more rapidly. It’s the third page before we have a clue that they are boarding a spaceship. Lead with it. Even a simple a sentence of thought from the main character that said, ‘I took one last look at the earth before I boarded for my journey to the stars.’ Something that immediately sets the scene. Then you can deal with the weight of his baggage, the nods to people he knew and worked with, and the scurry of preparing his room and meeting his neighbors. The way it reads at the moment, he might be arriving on campus for his second year of college. Once you got past the slightly awkward opening, though, the story arc.
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