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She looked at me to see what’s wrong and I said, “Mom, I’m not sure how I feel about what’s happening next door. I know you have mixed emotions about it. I understand that in some ways you are living your fantasies. But I want you to know that I’m kind of glad it happened. I’ve never felt so close to you. I’ve never felt as much love for you as I do now. I want you to know I love you very much and I’m not mad about the pictures anymore.”She hugged me and gave me a big kiss. When she let me go there were tears in her eyes. I smiled and wiped away a tear. I said, “I know how you feel. After Brad went to sleep last night I lay there in his arms and I was crying. I always thought ‘tears of happiness’ were a crock of shit. But they aren’t! Love can make you so happy you can’t stand it. Isn’t it wonderful?”But then it occurred to me what life must be like for her with my cold-fish father. I don’t know what they’re like when they’re alone in their room but I’ve never seen my father. Something deep inside her had broken free in Jamaica -- a side of her that she had never wanted to acknowledge to herself or to me for fear that I might lose respect for her. But under the control of Samuel and Jamal, and with me in a supporting and protective role, she was free to just be that darker creature. She didn't want me to be permanently submissive nor did she want to be a full time whore, but she didn't want to be Mrs Mid-West Housewife again either.And it wasn't just exhibitionism or submission - she also felt a sense of power feeling the man inside her approach climax, knowing she was responsible for that, and then, after he came, his reduction to a c***d in her arms, if only for a few minutes.For my part, in the months since our return I had analyzed my emotions and reactions a lot. I had been excited by the feelings that Jaye's behavior and experiences with Samuel and the others had triggered. I loved watching her in the throes of passion. I loved seeing her white legs.
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