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I sighed.“Where’s the hole in this red rubber ball? How do you wear it as a clown’s nose?”“Mom, let’s just…”“Ooh, what are these tiny little clamps for?” she asked, picking up the new nipple clamps I’d bought for my gal.“Those are nail clippers, Ma!” Hey, her sight is failing too, she might believe that!Then she saw the Hitachi wand. “Oh, what a nice powerful back massager!” she exclaimed.“That’s to massage the St. Bernards, they have thick hair,” I said, shaking my head as she continued farther into the dungeon.“Honey is that a dentist’s chair? Are you studying to be a dentist?” she asked.Huh?“Yes, sure Mom, do-it-yourself dentistry is the latest rage!” I lied.“Jesus is missing from that cross, Steve-O,” she chastised.“He’s out preaching, Mom!” I said, exasperated.“There’s my sleep mask!” she chirped. “Why didn’t you tell me you had it?”“I told you all of this yesterday, Mom, but you forgot!” I said, trying to direct her back toward the exit.“Oh look, Steve-O, that nice policeman. ”“We disagree. You are a part of WE now, and WE wishyou’d start acting like US. Take off all of your clothesand leave them off except to go into town, and we wouldprefer you never went to town. We will bring the town toyou, piece by piece. Just tell us what pieces you want.Reach for something to wear and ten people will offer togo get it for you. Ten others will gingerly take thatthing from you and try to get you to relax and liedown.”Norma laughed, and said, “Oh, stop it, Matt.”“They would, Norma. Everybody adores you, or they wouldif you’d let them. They want to worship you, but you aretoo busy trying to be helpful, useful, trying to fit into a place that is trying to fit you, but you won’t keepstill, and you won’t lie down. Adoring you is liketrying to change a flat tire on a moving car. Fuckingyou takes a team effort for everyone except Gramps.”“This is so hard for me, Matt.”“Honey, if this were.
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