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The last 50 minutes since Josh had left my dressing room had been theworst 50 minutes of my life. Not long after he was gone, my dad hadshown up, and I had confronted him about recording the concert. Heapologized for not telling me, but then went on to explain that theconcert was going to be broadcast on TV Sunday night. He hadn't told meabout it because he didn't want me to start worrying.Well, that just made me worry even more. Not only did I have to worryabout making a fool of myself on stage during the concert, which seemedto be a likely scenario now, but I also had to worry about making afool of myself across the entire country!How could Dad do this to me? If he had warned me, I might have beenable to prepare, but now I was a nervous wreck! I had no idea what todo!I spent most of my time after that sitting on the sofa trying to calmmyself down by watching TV. It didn't help. Finally, Stephanie cameback in and did another quick check of my makeup before leaving again.Now, I was. I jumped into martial arts and boxing for a while, trying to make sure I'd never be helpless again if someone I loved were ever threatened. It turned my nightmares quite violent at times; my aunt learned not to come and try to wake me when I was having one after I accidentally hit her while still mostly asleep. That's why I was worried about hurting you last night when you came into my bed. But honestly, I was so completely traumatized by my loss that I never allowed myself to love anyone except my aunt. Not for a long time."When I turned 20, I decided to get into the BDSM scene. I think I was partly hoping I'd catch wind of Leo. But I was also desperately lonely, but far too vulnerable to try a normal relationship. Because of my parents, BDSM was familiar. But after Cathy, there was no way I would ever have been a sub. I became a dom."I was never into pain or anything like that; I only ever did things that I had explicit permission for. In fact, over the couple of years I spent on.
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