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I caught myself smiling and mindlessly chopping mushrooms in time with her song. Dangerous. Shaking myself, I concentrated on the veal Cordon Bleu I was creating, adding a cooked mushroom and shallot paste to the traditional Swiss and Black Forest ham filling.Amelia, for all her incredible talents, was as good a cook as Kim Jung-un was a leader of North Korea - completely inept. She couldn’t fry an egg, and somehow, even with simple boiled eggs, the shells would stick to the eggs, un-peel-able. Peanut butter and jam sandwiches ended up so overfilled they had the shape of an apple turnover, and would squirt their contents with the first bite. She could serve herself a bowl of cereal effortlessly, but I didn’t consider that a skill.I cherished her weaknesses like a miser his money. Her musical talent was so overwhelming, so impressive, I loved experimenting to discover her shortcomings. They rounded out her character, made her human; more like me.Flattening the veal, timing the smack. What had he taken last night?Where was he last night? What did he do? All these questions and morefurrowed his brow. He couldn't even remember what he was doing 12minutes ago, let alone 12 hours.So off he went to work. He worked in a large office block in the middleof London, and everywhere he went he kept finding more willies. He evencame upon the occasional testicle or two, but tried to ignore them andact like nothing was happening. Otherwise they'd surely know he wastaking drugs. He paid little attention to anyone around him and justwent about his data inputting work as normal. A zombified twenty-something going nowhere. In his lunch break, a couple of girls came over to his table. They woreclothes pegs on their noses to stop themselves having to smell John'sgruesomely tangible, unwashed-odour. They were giggling though."So," they asked, "we're just doing a survey and were wondering how muchyou lost today?"John barely looked up from his food. "Eh?" Did you lose just your willy?".
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