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When she showed me the x-rays… and explained what was wrong… I thought they’d made a mistake, that they were someone else’s x-rays… they couldn’t be mine. I took it from you… your future… I took it from you with my carelessness. I was supposed to take care of you… that’s what we promised… I should have died then… in your place, not this slow lingering death, a year while the Devil’s bony fingers play with my lungs, gripping them, squeezing them dry of air… a relentless grip… until I draw my last breath. I don’t understand how this is fair, I was dying even then, the illness had begun its final relentless surge, why were you taken in my place? Where is the fairness? Why were you not spared? I don’t understand it. I’ve told them not to ventilate me when I can no longer breath by myself. For those first few months… alone in our apartment, resting with the Devil, empty in our empty bed, I was too ashamed to reach out for you, couldn’t accept your forgiveness, couldn’t forgive myself for. The Pawnee snipped; a piece here, a corner there. Of course we fought back ... then the Crow and Pawnee allied with the soldiers ... and they gave presents; guns and all the ammunition the indian scouts could use.The constant warfare wore us down. Frosty mornings hurt my bones and the constant winter glare bothered my eyes. My wives were sick one winter and never woke up. My children were captured or killed in the continual wars.I got old. When did that happen? The war path lost it’s charm and excitement. When I had killed that southern officer ... in a fair fight ... it was reported that I had shot from ambush and the Army had been hunting me for twenty years.I stayed alive for life itself.Then ... it was a good day to die ... I shut down.I rode my favorite pony out to a place I remembered when I was young and strong. The few cottonwood trees were still growing around the seep. I built a bier in the tree and climbed on. Through the leaves I watched the clouds as they floated by.An.
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