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Better surely to say nothing; Toby might have decided one night with me was enough. Although my constant hope was to find a boyfriend, for months and months my love life had not progressed further than casual one-nighters.I left a 'See u again?' message on Toby's phone the next day. For more than a week no reply came; clearly he was not yearning for my company. Then at last he rang, and asked me to go to a club in South London with him that same evening. I said yes, trying to sound moderately pleased, while hiding the euphoria that hearing his voice again had engendered.The club was a short walk from Brixton underground station. Mixed straight and gay, it had everything to make a great night out — good dance music, terrific lights, and an attractive crowd full of life. Not knowing who you might run into in a new club is part of the excitement. Toby had lots of friends there. He used his phone every few minutes to send or receive messages. At first I thought he was contacting people. "Tell you what,I'll keep my cell phone on all day and if you have the slightest problemI'll come running right over. OK?" Thanks a lot Mrs. Cocklesmen," I said.After I hung up the phone I ran up to my room, took off my clothes andput on the bikini. Free of worry that my parents were in the house, Ifelt myself letting go into girlhood even more than I had done the nightbefore. I decided that I must only move my limbs the way a girl did.With the feeling provided by the slight tug of the bikini on my body asan inspiration, I found that I could instinctively move like a girl. Itmust be innate in myself I decided, a girl lurking in me hoping to comeout. I allowed myself to enjoy the thought that Marcie and I were unitedby our having worn the same bikini. I was now sort of a sister to herand I tried to imagine what she and I would be doing if we were alone inthe house together. I lay on my bed and fantasized about living my lifeas a girl.***Mid morning I could tell it was going to be a.
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