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Did she see it? I felt so embarrassed. At least if she did, I could shrug it off as morning wood, but I don’t think it was possible she didn’t notice. I triedto move past it and took a cold shower that morning. Maybe the bitter cold water could wash the thought of her from my anatomy. It worked that day, but I had to learn to hide myself if she was around. On another note, the nights she didn’t stay over, we would still hang out. The time I spent talking with her made me forget all the pain that would normally keep me up at night. Sometimes, we’d go out, I won’t say on dates, but we’d go eat or to the movies, and I would not be able to stop myself from talking. That was an experience I wasn’t familiar with. She changed me, bringing out everything good in my life… I fell in love with everything about her, and my head told me it would only end in disaster. I would sit down to write and convince myself she could never love me. I took out a piece of paper and wrote a note to myself that. Damon and Mr. Compton had made it clear to me after they first took me that I was in fact their property now, but I don’t think I completely understood until just this minute. I knew that I had not actually given myself as property to Mr. Damon and Mr. Compton, as I had to Derrick. This was far different. No, I hadn’t ‘given’ myself to them, they had simply taken me. It’s very hard for me to explain, even to myself, but when Mr. Damon raped me, I understood that he did so because he knew he could. He wanted me, and the fact that I was married meant nothing to him. He took what he wanted, and he wanted me. My husband sadly was unable to protect me. Simply put, a more powerful man had taken what he had and now owned it in ways Joey could never emulate. And in truth, I was more naturally bound now to Mr. Damon and Mr. Compton than to Derrick. What I gave I to Derrick I could take back. But what was taken was forever theirs. Understand I did and do love Joey. I have always done my best.
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