You can't make those dreams and wishes go away, you all know that. Nomatter how hard you try to focus on the life in hand, to apply somemonastic discipline to your thoughts and feelings they never go away.With my male blinkers determinedly fixed I strode manfully throughteacher training college, my first school and then marriage dogmaticallyconvinced that any notion of being female, any moment when I might envythe girls and women around me was not only wrong, but utterly out of myreach. Even so, there were moments when those repressed emotions burstout with a breathtaking crunch to the belly. Sight of one of mycolleagues, relaxing in the staffroom with a coffee, crossing her legswith a smooth nylon shush and unconsciously adjusting her hem could belike a slap around the face; seeing a couple of the girls braiding eachother's hair in a quiet moment between lessons could twist cruelly mycompeting halves.At those times I desperately sought out the transformation story sites,pictures and. "I'm thankful that the Bradleys could join us and that they have a brand new house and, hopefully, fire insurance. And that Mr. Bradley could stay here and be with his family." I'm thankful for the best foreman I've ever had," Robbie's dad added."Then you should give him a raise," Bobbi blurted, then looked embarrassed.Robbie's dad smiled. "You're right, I should."The look on Robbie's face when they showed up had been more than worth the bruise she left on my shoulder. "And I'm especially thankful that I got to see Robbie's face when she opened the door."I'm sorry that Darlene couldn't be here with us but thankful that she's having dinner with her family, and I hope it can lead to more." Amen," Mom said softly. I think it was harder on Mom than any of the rest of us seeing Darlene living away from home. Darlene's mother had invited Darlene for Thanksgiving dinner, and Darlene said no. Then her mother called my mother, and my mother talked me into talking Darlene into at least giving.
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