It made me feel sexual and connected to the person watching, like I could use their energy, and their desire to see me satiated, and that would make it okay, even important for me to really let go and enjoy the sensation. Maybe the idea of sharing the experience freed me from the guilt and loneliness I felt when I masturbated. I also liked the idea of watching my partner masturbate. I liked the feeling of raw sexual power in knowing that the sight of my naked body could cause a man to achieve an aching erection. Before this time in my life, I had always known that a man could achieve an erection with me, but I never felt it was because of me. But now, finally, I not only felt like I was attractive, I felt like I was sexy. I could look at myself in the mirror and run my hands over my breasts, and enjoy how plump they were and how perfectly they filled the cup of my hands, the soft flesh spilling from my grasp. The sight of my pale and somewhat large areolas, which swelled as my. Looking up she searched for stars through the thick mantel of the cloudy winter sky, just like she had done countless times when missing Rudolf. ‘Should you miss me just look up and up and up, right into the night sky. The same stars you see will shine down on me, where ever duty calls me,’ he had told her comfortingly when saying goodbye. She had just turned eighteen then and felt highly insulted for being talked to in such a childlike manner. Years later she stood there, trembling, gazing out into the same night sky, looking up and up and up and seeing nothing but the darkness that had befallen their world, the same empty darkness that must surround her brother now, out there, somewhere, abandoned in the cold soil of the tundra with no cross to bear his name. The frantic knock on the door tore Amalia from her mourning, her maid entering with a feverish rush. ‘My lady … my lady we must hurry,’ Mariska panted breathlessly. ‘They’re at the village already!’ As toddlers they had.
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