I can't even turn my head to look at her. I can only sit here and rock back and forth while my muscles tremble incessantly. And I hate myself. Hate myself for being so weak and not being able to control these fucking feelings.She's coming down the stairs and walking around the sofa, "I got worried when you didn't come up and- Sam?" My eyes feel hot and messy, and I can feel them prickle, and when I say her name it comes out all mangled and broken.She's hugging me, rocking back and forth with me and she's terrified. Because I'm supposed to be strong. I'm supposed to be the strong one. And I've only ever cried in front of her a few times, but they were never like this. My eyes are streaming and hot, and sobs are racking my body so hard they're like blows. And I just thank God I'm not making a sound, just these wet gasping noises when I have to breathe.Carly's stroking my hair and making soothing noises, but her heart's beating so fast I can feel it through her tank top against my. When Mommy comes in the pool with me, we usually play with my boat or with the watering can; we take turns pretending to be flowers."Lisa was on the point of stepping into the pool when Mark called out: "Miss Lisa! You'll get your tee-shirt all wet." Yes, I know, Mark. I think for today, it will be all right ... you see, when I was your age, I was taught that I had to wear a swim suit when I was playing in the water. I wasn't as lucky to have a Mommy like yours who said it would be all right to play in the water naked. Since I didn't bring my swim suit, I'm going to pretend that this tee-shirt is my swim suit for today."Mark thought about this gravely and the nodded as if it made sense. "Your Mommy wasn't very nice." No ... I guess from your point of view, I guess you could say that my Mommy wasn't very nice but you have to understand that my Mommy didn't know as much about the right way to play in the water. In those days, people didn't know as much as your Mommy. Does your Mommy.
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