I spent over two hours on my com talking to the women in my family. Juana’s four kids and my mothers and siblings each wanted to talk to me. I finished with Don. He told me that Ed was tentatively planning to turn about half of the land we bought in Honduras back into a preserve. We would have to replant much of that area with indigenous flora. When that was mature enough, we could scan the area to see if we needed to introduce more wildlife, or if they’d naturally begin to repopulate the area.Much of the remaining land was small farms. While the farmers owned the land, we now owned the mineral rights, and only a few of those farms were in places where we would need to dig. He was sure that many of the farmers would listen if we showed them better ways to enrich the soil and increase their yields and that many more would sell us their farms and work for us, making it worthwhile for us to build another large farm there.Saturday 0100I had actually managed to doze off for a short time. Power or continued pain. The feeling of the universal creation flowing through my body would be as sweet as any kiss, as intoxicating as any liquor, yet I fear it. I fear what temptations I would have, I could undo the separation. I could heal myself. Become whole. Yet, within my soul, I know that that option is not. The flow of self-depreciating sadness moving across each numb nerve with the quiet coldness of ice, numbing my heart to what I have been part of, have seen. As tempting, in its own way, as the power I could open myself to. I choose. There really was not much of a choice, the decision made in an instant. I rein in my mind and flow, not outward as a waterfall, but inward, sinking into the black hole that is the remnant of my heart. Darkness swallows me yet I ignore it, I search. Moving across surfaces that reek of memory and sadness, I begin the long road through a self-made hell. Heat tears at my atoms, Cold sears my neutrons from balance, both fusion and fission work.
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