He was acknowledging what I had already known. He truly did miss me as much as I genuinely missed him. When I planned my escape, I had no intentions of revisiting my captor. I moved as far away as possible, and I had moved on as well as I could. Maybe that’s why I agreed to meet him. Perhaps I was searching for resolution. He told me once that I couldn’t help who I loved. He also told me once that he was not relationship material, a statement I thought he had made as a copout to avoid entanglement. He had always been very direct about his feelings, but still I was reeled in, helpless and hopeless against the searing passion I had felt. In his absence, I began to doubt my feelings for him. I convinced myself that it was just an illusion, something I had concocted in my own mind. But seeing him again, it felt as real as it had. I trembled in its wake. During our conversations I began to understand that he was also trying to move on, but the past was his warden. He was his own judge. * * *Early the next morning, I was rousted out of my cell, and after ahorrible breakfast which I couldn't touch, I was mercifully given anorange jumpsuit to put on. I scrubbed off as much of my makeup aspossible, and waited for what seemed an eternity until a guard told meit was time for my arraignment and bail hearing. I assumed that somepublic defender would be representing me, and I looked sullenly aroundthe crowded courtroom - the media had obviously been tipped off - untilI saw Ron, sitting in the back row, giving me a quick thumbs up. Asurge of hope rushed through me, although I was humiliated for him tosee me that way.A bored-looking judge eventually took the bench, and my case was thefirst one on the calendar. A very young woman stood up and identifiedherself as my attorney. She was with a law firm in Chicago, whichpuzzled me, until I got a wink from Ron. She stood beside me as I plednot guilty. Then a deputy district attorney gravely pronounced that Iwas charged.
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