.. But there are other dayswhen I wake up with a confidence I never, ever felt as 'Steve',confidence that lets me take on the world- and usually win, such as inthe interview the girls and I just did.However, every time my confidence grows too high, there's always anunwanted 'presence' ready to bring me crashing back down to Earth- theunwelcome voice of 'Steve' in my head. I'd hoped that the more theoestrogen changed my body- and more importantly, my brain- the less I'dhear 'him' in my mind, but if anything, the opposite has been true. I'vediscussed this all with Doctor Phillips, of course- my occasionaldiscomfort with my new body, my battles with 'Steve' and my stress atthe fact that every stage of my transition is being done under thescrutiny of the media- and whilst she has helped, her conclusions that Imight never be 100% comfortable in either gender were the last thing Iwanted to hear. It's almost as though I'll always be 'transgendered'rather than entirely male or entirely. “The local council has rescinded the nightly parking fee in Municipal lots!” hoping everyone will believe I’m not crazy!Looking around , seeing her in a booth, taking her coat off, revealing a white blouse and a gentle hint of breasts. Without realizing what i’m doing I bite my lower lip, fantasizing about her in various poses as i snap away.“Can I help you sir?” I’m instantly back to reality placing my order for a straight coffee and a biscuit. When it’s ready I make a beeline to her. In the ten years I’ve been approaching women about posing she has me shaking like an awestruck teenage! Getting closer “er! Excuse me is this seat taken?”“Yes thank you lord!’ catches me attention as I collect me tea and cinnamon bun. Making my way to the only open booth, sliding in by the wind. Taking my coat off settling in to read the Times. A few minutes pass before“Er! Excuse me is this seat taken?” looking up from an article on Heathrow expansion, seeing the gentleman from the line, trembling.
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