The hairs became matted together and now had a darker look to them.Buffy could wait no longer, she knew what she had to do! Besides, she thought as she threw herself back onto her bed "I don't wanna look any longer at my ugly, awkward body. If I can't get real boy, might as well take care of this myself!" She was now lying on her back, totally nude, and she spread her legs open wide and drew her knees up. This was the position Buffy always like to use when she played with herself. Buffy placed her right hand in place over her vagina and began to masturbate, thinking of Xander. She started by rubbing her clitoris in slow circles as she always did, and periodically inserted a finger in her pussy to draw out more lubricant as needed to apply liberally to her clitoris and her inner/outer pussy lips, which would otherwise get sore from all the rubbing.Buffy thought of Xander's cock while she continued playing with herself. Was it big? Bigger and wide/thicker is a plus, thought Buffy while. “And what was it?”“All this time, I thought pain was something real, something that can be physically measured. But really, it is a perception and a reaction to an event. What those people did to her wasn’t what hurt her, it was how she perceived it and gave it meaning that caused the real harm. She wasn’t able to choose what happened to her, she didn’t get to choose to be raped, but the pain she felt was an illusion brought on by social stigma and social meaning. In reality, any act could have caused the same damage as what she went through, but she had been shaped by society to view what happened to her in that way.I blamed myself for her death because I needed to feel like I could have done something. I needed to feel like even for a moment, even if it involved shameful failure, I had power. I needed to feel like I had a choice. But really, everything is predetermined by time. What happened was unavoidable; it was the result of all the variables lining up at their destined points..
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