Dick Van DykeThree Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, “However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven.”The first guy comes up to the gate and says, “I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her.” So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.The next man comes up and says, “I cheated on my wife a little but I still love her.” He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.The next guy came up and said, “I cheated on my wife a lot.” He gets a scooter.Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.He asked, “Why are you crying you have such a nice car?” and the man sobbed, “My wife just went by on roller skates.”Phone Operator: “G’day mate ... Helpline here ... What’s the problem?”Customer: “I’m in the Outback with the girlfriend and she’s been stung on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!”Australian Telephone Operator: “Bummer!”Customer:. I was born in Stepney, London, and named Ronald George Thompson. I was one of two surviving children born to my parents, my younger sister being the aforementioned Katherine May Thompson, now Marshall, and there was another girl who died shortly after her birth. Although the teachers at my school were generally of the opinion that I was the recipient of a reasonable level of intelligence, I nevertheless left school at fourteen, as did most of my contemporaries, as in our community few if any children attended grammar school, since even if they possessed the necessary academic ability to gain entry to such an establishment, their families lacked the means to equip them to do so. I fell into a similar category, but I never resented this; to my way of thinking that’s just the way it was. No, it was my lot to follow my male forebears into some kind of manual labour which required only a strong back and innate common-sense, not some fancy school certificate. Thus it was until 1940 when my.
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