Losing her was just as sudden, and the emotions involved in it were even stronger. I didn't even have the closure of being able to bury her because ... well ... there wasn't anything to put in the coffin. The counselor the airline supplied suggested I think of her as having been buried at sea. That didn't help.I want you to know up front here that I'm not trying to get you to feel sorry for me. I took care of that, believe me. I just want you to understand the frame of mind I was in when things happened after that, or I made decisions; that's all.I couldn't live in the house any more. I had a company auction off all the furniture and everything else we'd bought together. I sold the house too, because even seeing it from the outside made me want to fall down and cry. I didn't need a whole house any more anyway. I couldn't get up the interest to look for an apartment, and got a long-term room in a fleabag hotel because it was quick and easy. The room had a television, though I didn't. Tell, me, what degree did youreceive and where do you say you matriculated?" Matri-wha?" I knew that I should understand the term, but something waskeeping it beyond me and I just stared at Allison."Matriculated, dear. It means enrolled." My blank look persisted and shecontinued, "I'm asking where you went to college." Why didn't you just say that? It ain't like you hafta use fancy words n'stuff." There was something about my grammar and diction that wasbothering me. I knew that I shouldn't be talking like that but it justcame out. And why hadn't I been able to understand what "matriculated"meant?"I'm sorry dear. I'll try to remember to use words you'll understand.But you still haven't told me where you went to college and what degreeyou received sweetie." You don't gotta be so condesce - con-duh... You don't gotta talk down tome!" Why was it suddenly so hard for me to find the right words and whydid I keep screwing up my grammar? My speech was making me sound asthough I.
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