“I’m tired,” I said. “I’m going to bed.”“Okay,” she said. “I don’t feel like we’ve finished discussing this, though.”“Fine. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”“Okay. Good. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable, Bob. You’re not obligated. You mean too much to us for something like this to poke a stick in your spokes.”I blinked. I hadn’t heard that phrase in years and years and years.“I’m fine,” I said. “I just need sleep.”“Okay. ‘Night.”I hung up and headed for bed. About eight hours of unconsciousness right now sounded pretty good.Turns out sleep probably wasn’t what I needed. That’s because I don’t think there was all that much of it that was actually unconscious.I’m referring to dreams, of course, which don’t feel unconscious at all. I read somewhere that the average dream only takes a few seconds to play out in the sleeper’s mind. A dream that “lasts” for several hours in the dreamer’s mind might take only the time required to blink one’s eyes a few times. That would suggest that our. She laid the bra with the top on the table. She straddled me. She leaned in toward me. ‘No,’ I said, holding her back. ‘I want to look at you.’ How odd and pleasant it was to see her grinding confidence slide into watched demureness, the little awkwardness of a girl still within a woman. I cherished the sight of her. I cherished every curve. I cherished every freckle. I cherished the tell-tale streaks our baby, now this year beginning college, had left on her belly and her breasts. Now, here in the firelight it all seemed more magical. The soft glow of her. That radiance I had always seen within now shown without. And yet as her eyes coyly sought mine, I could not help but see the questions. Had her curves grown too full? Was she still pretty? Did I still find her as attractive now as I did then? Women are too filled with doubts and men are too quiet or stupid to quell them. But surely, this thing more truth than any truth, I wanted her. I wanted my woman. I wanted her as the first.
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